Meeting with friends

Today I came with possible explanation for my lack of social interactions with friends. Firstly I think that I am very social I mean that I can’t be alone for long time I have to talk with someone about anything. So you might think that I enjoy meeting with friends whom I haven’t seen long time? Yes and no. Yes I would lovely to talk about what happened for her or him, no because I couldn’t talk about myself freely… I would need to present my male side where I have talk without enjoyment. It is because keeping a friendship with someone who really doesn’t know you is very tiresome. This is main reason why I mostly don’t have motivation to call or meet someone. With one girl I have open friendship she know about my feelings and is supportive that why I always want to meet with her and chat about all girly stuff and my findings in searching my inner girl.

With this explanation I need to answer to question will I have more healthy friendship when I present myself as female? Only way to know is to take action like coming out to more friends. This what I will try to do from now.

A desire for attention

In my recent days one thing started me to worry. It is my wanting or even I should say desire to get attention. I mean social attention from woman or I think more about man. And one conflict arise for me is that I don't consider myself as a lonely person I have few friends and constantly meeting with them, but there is some empty space in me I still feel lack of attention and I don't know how to fill that space. So I know that woman loves attention and that man's worse mistake is to let feel her woman lack of attention, but for some reason I also like attention and more someone gives it more I am close with them. In my relationship with girls I see now that if trying to give attention to my girlfriend later I am starting to feel miserable. I begin to think that she doesn't gives me a kind of attention that I am worth. Of course such situation later starts to damage friendship.

So what this all about? Am I narcissistic person? Or it is my inner girl's person driven flow behind my male persona? I may be a little narcissistic but it is considered even healthy according to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism. I really enjoying helping others whenever it is within my abilities range or moreover I never considered myself as really narcissistic person. So it leaves us with second option that this thing is driven by inner girl persona...

If I am right it is a clear sign of my inner girl and that I am transgendered person. And that I need to more and more accept it otherwise I won't find my place in my life.

Ohh and about my introduction part 3 I still not ended it for some unknown reasons I stuck with it but it will be published anyway so don't worry ;)

Who I am part 2 fantasies

Ši suvestinė nepasiekiama. Spustelėkite čia, kad peržiūrėtumėte įrašą.

Strange dream

Usually I don't give a big mean to dreams, because I tend to be more rational than mythical. But last night I had very vivid dream and it made me to think because of one scene in dream where I strangled someone to death...

Dream started with me as male wondering through hilly woodland and later I started to chase someone with no particular reason. First time he (I remember that it was male) managed to escape, but second time I chased and eventually catch him in some house where my close relatives was. Then I started to strangle him and while did it one of relative said my real name in surprising tone, but I just ignored it and strangled him to death. Interesting thing that I didn't felt regret for doing it, in fact I felt even more better.

I know that it is many dream dictionaries where most dream symbolism are explained. So I did searched about strangling someone and most of them defined same meaning that:

To see yourself in your dream strangle someone else, is a reflection of how you act and behave in your waking life - are you repressing or denying a vital aspect of your expression.

So I thought whatever I am denying something in my male side or I am denying my inner girl feelings? Right now I can't answer it. I think that if I denying my inner girl I should have such dreams more often but this is first time. So it leaves me for now with no clear view.

Apart strangling I can extract more symbols from dream as chasing someone. This is also important but explanations is much more for being chased by someone not chasing someone. Here http://www.auntyflo.com/dream-dictionary/chase-or-chased-dream is many variations of this symbol. As I understand from provided interpretation chasing someone and catching has good meaning as that you will able to solve something. One more symbol is ambush it is also has good meaning if you ambush something as it is interpreted here http://www.auntyflo.com/dream-dictionary/ambush. Moreover there could be other symbols like woodland, stick, shooting, relatives and room inside house. Having not so much time to interpret it all I satisfied with three more important symbols, and being rational makes me not to take it seriously and to leave it as secondary guidance to my feelings.

Oh stay tuned with my blog cause I am planning in this weekend to post part 2 of who I am now.

Love and kisses ;)

Interesting afternoon today

Today I decided to take a walk and then enter McDonald to please myself with taste illusions :)

So after walk I entered McDonald and as expected saw a lot of families with children nothing unusual. There was quite short queue but for some unknown reasons my turn came after a bit of waiting. As I waited I began to observe one female worker who looked and acted for her age very childish. She was with long black hairs with two long pigtails something like this:

and McDonald's hat that was nothing strange but her dramatic eyes make-up and her childish feminine acting for some reason made me to laugh. She was very feminine but out of place I mean she really stud out from all other workers. Well why I talking about it because I never experienced similar thing before even I saw many more strange girls then one I talked about. I think it must somehow be related to my recent findings about crossdreaming which may changed my view of woman. 

Next thing which was quite new experience is when waited I saw really pretty and beautiful woman of course she was mommy with two cute little girls and I think that any straight man would be attracted to her but that moment I didn't feel a attraction to her I looked but not a single desire spark instead admired her good sense of style and especially leggings. What was this? Inner girl in me? Or somehow my sexual orientation changed and I  became gay? I questioned many time before this am I gay? But never really I could answer yes. I never looked into gay porn or pictures. So I stay with first option that than my inner girl was active that moment. But this still don't explain my behavior. Because now is known that sexual orientation is biological and don't change through life time.

I will look into this later after I observe myself in more situations to confirm that woman don't attract me more. Talking about my girlfriend she now is on students exchange program abroad so we will meet only on holiday season. And then I will look how I respond to her.

Who I am now part 1

I will try to clarify who I am.

Well recently started to participate in http://www.crossdreamlife.com/ forum and posted my brief introduction. That introduction was posted in time when I founded crossdreaming (autogynephilia) and written in pretty emotional state so it may be a little bit out of logic in someplace or with holes between stories. In the end I mentioned that I skipped many things in order to make my life story brief introduction. So now with this blog I will try to fill those gaps.

First of all few days ago I browsed internet about transgender stuff and landed in http://autogyn.blogspot.com/ where I found my interest in autogynephilia. While I had read about this sometime ago only now I developed deeper interest. Then from latter blog I reached http://www.crossdreamers.com/ and http://www.crossdreamlife.com/ where my sudden discoveries about myself began arise one by one.

So now about who I am from more rational perspective. In fact I am very similar to @JackMolay in his article about him http://www.crossdreamers.com/2009/07/my-life-as-autogynephiliac.html I find many common things like boyish childhood and attraction to girls and problems with sexual intercourse. But there is also many differences as my barbie doll and liking of make-up.

I am attractive as male and have quite athletic body   while I like sports or better to say be active. I don't like rumble tumble sports like basketball or soccer therefore I am big badminton enthusiast and other contact less games like ping pong. I don't have interest to watch sports like most boys do so whenever happens that I have to watch sports in company I do not enjoy it I rather enjoy good time with friends. In my crossdreamlife forum I mentioned that I did participated in martial arts club. Well, why I did it is a mystery to me. Most close explanation to that would be that I wanted to become a "real" man but not knowing then that my nature is different from macho male I struggled hard with it. Frankly I was very persistence with it. I dropped from home town club with any more significant achievement and later joined in new city club but there same I dropped after year or two and finally on studies times I joined aikido club where same things repeated I tried but it was not for me. To last one I joined having in mind that aikido nature is less kick and punch and thinking that will be more interesting for me.

In forum introduction I mentioned that I had barbie doll and played with it. Honestly I had only few not like other girls a whole collection in fact I think I had  more cars and trucks then dolls but in the end playing with barbie or dolls was equally natural to me. Well because of this my parents didn't see my acting as strange. It went pretty much same with other games that could be classified as girly I enjoyed equally as more boy typical games.

In my childhood I was very good boy. I never engaged in fighting or other unsocial affair. I did liked boyish things like climbing trees but I was not really typical boy as Jack Molay I was more feminine or to say soft boy so to say boyish aggression was not my character trait. So even I later joined martial arts I never actually used it in my life, honestly kicking or punching a people would be quite emotional event for me. So now I am understanding and caring man who often enjoys talking with girls in late evening about life.

While I was child I was quite social boy. I had many friends in my home town and school. But later when my family moved to new city and my puberty started my social activity started to fade little by little until one point when I lost almost every childhood friends. Now I have few best friends with whom I spend my social time, but far away from what I had in my childhood just before puberty.

As I mentioned in introduction I tended to group with girls more until puberty when girls started to see me as a male not as a friend. Later I was like forced to group with boys but I always was out of place with them.

In the past and now I like girls. Their natural beauty, feminine traits and curvy body... I had my first time with girl when I was only 17 sadly it was not most pleasant experience. After that I had few more relationships but never had sex again until my present day girlfriend. Even with her I had and now have troubles in sexual intercourse. In fact I only get aroused when I am in very intimate position with my girlfriend as for example laying in bed together. Even then I often do not start first move. And when its happens I can't really keep erection longer if there is no direct stimulation. When I do penetrate her my mind is often needs to somehow maintain erection otherwise I drift to my crossdreaming fantasies. In my understanding normal healthy man can be aroused by seeing a women naked or even more sexy than average woman with sexually clothes.

It is funny to me that my favorite position not surprisingly is when my girlfriend is on top and rides me so then she have to thrust her hips feels like someone penetrates me... I always then imagine that she is who fucks my wet vagina.

Well lucky me that my girlfriend is quite smart and patient. In her place I would dump me cause I do have deep problems with sexual intercourse. So after many fails I somehow learned maintain my arousal when we do it. Of course she don't know my crossdreaming condition so I guess she thinks that I have some minor psychological problems with intercourse. I thought many times that I need to tell her and be honest with her but frankly because I love her my fear of losing was stronger.

One more interesting thing that I see from my past that almost all relations with girls started not from my first step it was like girls picked up me. Including my present girlfriend she started our relations and even moved to first kiss. Isn't this what boy or man have to do?

Talking about crossdreaming now I think that it caused my GID so as to say over time I discovered more and more my feminine parts my inner girl parts. So now I am at point where confusion arises whatever I should pursue my inner girl and let my friends and relatives know about it or to learn live with it without coming out.

In the end I hope that writing this blog and responses from you will help me to see more clear picture of me.

Later I will post part 2 and 3 about my fantasies and my transgender feelings. Which will end my series about who I am now.

My First Post

Hi, and this is brief introduction to my little blog.

For now I am MtF crossdreamer and I want to make this blog as self therapy tool for finding out my inner girl. Well it may happen that I won't find it and that would be equal final goal as finding it. Also there is a probability that I never reach my goal but it is worth to try.

Also my home language is not English so sometimes I may not clearly express my thoughts nevertheless I will try to do my best.

Lov n kisses!
Elly